For better or worse, I’m a caring person. Once I engage with another person I want to learn who they are, I want to empathize with them and, if possible, I want to do what I can to bring more joy into their life. There are downsides to this personality trait, the details of which are too long for this post – some other time possibly – but overall it has served me well.
However, over the years I’ve had to learn how to properly think about and use the tendency to care, and have learned some interesting things about caring and how to care correctly.
Briefly, let me define caring as I’ll be using it in this article: caring is displaying kindness and concern for someone, listening intently to what they say and how they say it, and taking action when possible to benefit them.
The main thing I’ve learned about caring is this: care for the sake of caring.
Don’t care about someone because you think that’s what they want, don’t care about someone because you think it will make them like you, don’t care about someone because it will get you something – care about someone because you believe in the value of individuals.
And that’s it – look past the way someone is dressed, look past the consequences of their actions, look past the bad habits in communicating they’ve developed or been taught over the years, and see the person you wish other people saw in you. Then, care about that person.
Then – and this is the hard part – continue to care about that person even when their nastier side is the only thing that’s immediately visible.
There’s a strange freedom that comes with caring for another person only because you want to, and I’ve seen the results of it many times over.
Different people respond differently to care, and in today’s culture many people are resistant to genuine care. People are frightened of care, because most people see caring as a means to an end, and have probably experienced that type of “care” over and over in their lives. Consequently, they’ve put up walls to deflect care and so avoid disappointment and hurt.
Additionally, many see receiving care as a transaction; I received care from somebody, they expect me to give care back. For many, this is a tiring exercise.
We’re a busy and lonely society, and we have to choose wisely where we put our energy and time. Returning care that was never asked for seems like just one more thing to suck up our energy and time.
And so, I’ve noticed that often when we take the time to care about other individuals, at best it’s ignored, or straight up rejected at worst. Consequently, we’ve put up walls to avoid disappointment – and, to fend off the perceived enemy those walls have weapons; unkind words, unreasonable requests, cold looks, etc.
We don’t want to have to put the effort into caring for another person, and even more importantly we don’t want to be hurt by disappointment. So we reject caring because we know that when there’s nothing in it for the other person, they’ll stop caring, just like others have done before.
But, if you can give care merely for the sake of caring, not for selfish gain, there’s a side to others you can see that is not often visible.
If, after throwing up defense after defense a person sees that you’re still taking the time to care about them, something wonderful can happen. They’ve seen that you’re not expecting them to reciprocate, and the care being given doesn’t come with a price tag. The knowledge of this is a huge weight lifted off their shoulders.
I’ve seen it; a person who was cold and prickly at first becomes softer and warmer after you’ve continued caring even when they’re prickly and distant – no, they’re not a completely changed person or the most lovable person in the room, but there’s something new in their eyes, and that’s worth something.
Did I mention that caring merely for the sake of caring can be a huge weight off of your shoulders as well? Think about it; if you care about someone because you want to, there’s nothing anyone can do to take that away from you because your care has nothing to do with how the other person treats you.
That’s not to say that caring will always be easy – far from it – but it now has inherit value to both parties and doesn’t suck the life out of you while frustrating the recipient.
Care because you want to. Don’t care because it’s the right thing to do or because it will help you make friends – although those things are also often true – care because there’s value in caring for another human being.
There’s a joy to that you’ll be surprised by.